Though She Be But Little, She Is Fierce

Well, life has certainly changed in the last few months.

My grandmother passed away, then seven months later my father passed away. Both were unexpected and completely out of the clear blue.

I never met my mother's parents because they died before I was born. My father's parents are the only grandparents I have ever known, and I was unfortunately not able to know any of my great-grandparents. My father's father passed away in 2001, and ever since then it has been the Mom, Dad, Grandmother, and me show.

Now I have my mother. I am so blessed to have her as we battle the most difficult time in our lives.
And we are blessed to have our faithful, precious cat who loves our family very much.

I can honestly say that I have not been okay. I have been drowning and just trying to find the water's surface. Between the estate sale for my grandmother's house, cleaning out my dad's classroom (he was a teacher), financial obligations, my work, being a full time nursing student, and juggling the grief of my own along with my widowed mother's, all while trying to act like a normal human being, I guess the inevitable happened... I had a nervous breakdown.

I had a test right at midterms. I walked out of the test, I made it to the parking lot of the school, and then I began sobbing. Like ugly crying. And I did not stop crying for six hours straight. I realized I had hit a brick wall in my life. I needed to finally do what I have needed to do since Grandmother's death on October 5th, 2015.. take care of myself.

I decided to withdraw from nursing school two days after my nervous breakdown - before I would have been forced to go into some sort of mental institution for respite care from a psychotic breakdown.

It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. It is my senior year, and it was my first semester of senior year, and I had already made it to midterms. My grades were just fine, but I feared that given my current state I was headed to my downfall. What makes it all the more difficult is the fact that when I had to withdraw from nursing school the first time around due to my illness I withdrew at the same time as this year's withdrawal, during my first semester of senior year, but right before finals.

It's truly heartbreaking, but it had to be done. I could feel myself spiraling down into self-destruction, and it wasn't pretty. The blessing in all of this is that I was able to recognize that I needed this time for helping myself before I discovered this need too late.

I now have the beauty of time to rediscover myself and figure out what I need to do to find myself again. My grandmother and father were my best friends, my everythings. They taught me everything.. except how to live without them. Now I need to figure out how to live without them in this tragic new normal, just like I have had to learn how to live with my chronic illnesses.

Let me tell you, they definitely call it "grief work" for a major reason. It is the hardest job I have ever had to endure. It is physical, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual work, and it is absolutely exhausting - a true full-time job.

I have extreme anger.. no.. I have extreme fury. If there is a word stronger than fury then that would probably be more appropriate. I feel like I am in some sort of horrible and endless inferno, and the worst part is I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

When Grandma died I vomited the night of her burial. Instead of listening to my body's outburst of grief, I slept through the nausea. The next day I put on a brave face and studied for a nursing school exam I had that next week. I had school all the way up until I began my externship in the summer. At the start of my externship I lost Daddy. After that I had to clean out his classroom. From there I had to clean out my grandparent's house to prepare for the estate sale. Their house is 2 hours and 30 minutes away from my current home. So I would work a 12 hour shift, then go to my grandparent's house all the way up until the next day I would have to work. I did this all summer long. I began this semester absolutely exhausted. Between coroner's reports, family drama, nursing school drama, Grandmother's first-year anniversary of her death, and proofs for headstones, I had just finally lost all my senses and became a basket case.

I guess that is understandable. I am sure that not everyone would agree with my decision to withdraw. Sometimes I don't even agree with my decision, but it is just because I hate that I have had to make this decision. Sometimes I wonder, "could I have just kept pushing myself and survived all the way through to the end of the nursing program?" Honestly, I really, truly believe that withdrawing has been necessary to my survival. As my nursing professors told me, "Nursing school will always be here when you get back, but until then take care of yourself now." Besides, I owe it to myself to not just survive my way through my nursing journey; I owe it to myself to be triumphant and excel my way through my nursing journey.

I wish Grandma and Daddy could see me graduate and become an RN. Grandma is an officially licensed nurse through 2017. I am going back to nursing school next fall 2017, and I WILL complete my senior year and graduate in spring 2018. I will then carry on her legacy by becoming an RN in 2018. There will not be a year that goes by that one of us will not be a licensed nurse, and that makes it all worth it.

So, my journey continues as I search for myself again, reinvent my life again, and remember why I was placed on this earth. We never know when this moment will be our last moment, when this day will be our last day, or when we may lose the ones we love. So laugh with others a little longer than usual, hug others a little tighter than usual, and love others a little harder than usual. In the end, the actions that feed the soul are the ones that mean the most.

Shine your light always,

*Today's Happy Thought: RAIN

(As I write this entry I am listening to the sound of God's music, the rain falling amongst the pavement, grass, and plants. The rain is like a symphony to my spirit and brings me peace.)

 

When All You Got to Keep is Strong... Move Along

Moving on and moving along is often easier said than done. My illness has been a set back, but nothing could have prepared me for the life I have had ahead of me.

On a happy note, I have made it into nursing school. My life has changed forever since I have been accepted. My life has officially begun again and I am on my way to my ultimate dream.

Shortly after school started, my Grandmother suddenly passed away this past October. She was my hero and best friend. My heart has been crumbled into a million pieces. She was found on the floor of her house, where she evidently passed away while changing out of her church clothes.

Then, just this year and seven months later, my father unexpectedly passed away. He was also my best friend, my everything. My mother found him in bed, passed away from sudden cardiac death. The millions of crumbled pieces of my heart have quickly turned into ash, and I feel as if nothing can restore my heart again.

Nursing school is a struggle of survival and illness is extremely difficult to deal with, but nothing is as difficult than losing practically your whole world within 7 short months of each other. Thank God for my mother. I do not know what I would do without her hand to hold for support.

Every day in nursing school is a battle, you must fight for your passion. For me, on top of the nursing school stress, I am fighting grief, mourning, and depression every day. I am trying everything I can to stay focused, determined, and unstoppable, though life is trying hard to slow me down.

My grandmother was a nurse. She was an amazing nurse and if I could be half the nurse she turned out to be my life would be full. She was so proud of me for continuing on my journey and not giving up. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders. I miss our 3-hour talks every weekend.

What got me going back to school after my illness was my father. We took him to the ER with severe flu symptoms, but the ER sent him home. About two days later he got worse at home, so I took him back to the ER. They had missed his problem on the first visit. He ended up having a ruptured appendix with bowel obstruction and collapsed lungs form all of the abdominal fluid build-up. He needed emergency surgery, but they said that they would have to infuse him with sodium and potassium first or he would die on the operating table. I have never been so scared. Dad and I prayed together that night before surgery, and though he never knew, I cried myself to sleep with the thought that I might lose him.

He made it through the surgery just fine, and until he died this summer we had him for 2 more years after that incidence. Two years I will always love and cherish forever. He was in the hospital for 9 days, and I did not leave his side the entire time. I remember one of the last days in the hospital Dad called me over to his bed. I stood there at his bedside, he grabbed my hand, and he told me, "You have cared for me so much since I have been in the hospital. You have even cleaned every corner of this room. I know you have been sick, but you were born to be a nurse. I can see you come back to life when you are helping me here. It is time for you to go back to school and do what you were born to do."

I will always remember his face telling me that. I will always remember the hope he had in me to finish. I will always remember holding his hand, and keep that feeling alive in me as I continue on in this world's journey without him.

Nursing school has always been my passion, but I am doing this for more than just me, I am doing it for my grandmother and father, and most importantly, God.

They say that there are two of the most important days of your life: the day you are born and the day you figure out why. I am blessed to know my calling and to have two of the best guardian angels I know looking out over me throughout my life.

There has been a bible verse that has been helping me keep my faith alive and my spirit uplifted. It has become a comfort during this difficult time:

No matter the circumstance, we must move on, have faith, and keep our spirits alive. Believe in love, believe in life, and believe that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (One of my grandmother's favorite verses.)

"I thank you God, for most this amazing day."

May the Lord bless and keep you,

*TODAY'S HAPPY THOUGHT: Helping Others
(It's what nursing, and life, is all about.) Go and do a good deed for someone this week. Whether it be a volunteer job for four hours in a soup kitchen or paying for the person's coffee behind you in line, you never know when you might just change someone's life.

Sparkle and Strength

It is important to find strength, even in the darkest of times.

It is important to find the strength within yourself, no matter what the outside world tries to tell you, no matter what others may say about you. You are strong and independent. There is no one else like you in the world!

That is one of the messages of this blog. The reason why this blog's web address is Never Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle is because I want everyone to shine from within. Never let anyone keep you from living the life you want and desire. It is our natural, God-given right to live and to love life.

Sometimes you can forget that though. People will try to bring you down. You may even feel down about yourself. For me, I felt like I had lost my sparkle and my world when I became ill. I wasn't sure I could ever recover; I thought my world was destroyed forever. But even through the rubble, you can build yourself back up, slowly but surely.

During the Soviet Union takeover from Hitler's Germany, many Russians' homes were burned and destroyed because of the scorched-earth policy. After the liberation of Soviet Russia, the only remnants of their homes were their fireplaces. These village people now had absolutely nothing, but they took the fallen bricks found in the rubble and ashes of their town and began to re-stack them. They literally began re-creating their homes from the burned up brick and debris.

Be the phoenix that rises from the ashes. Be the fireplace that continues to stand tall through the fire storm. Rebuild yourself with the bricks thrown at you. Never let anyone dull your sparkle, your hope, or your faith. Belief is a powerful force; putting that belief into action is an unstoppable force.

By my bed in my room I have that quote, "Never Let Anyone Dull Your Sparkle." I look at it every day to remind myself that every day is a struggle between good and evil, right and wrong. It is a reminder to fight for the good, fight for the joy, and to fight for the sparkle of life, which is the true beauty that makes life worth living.

That is my wish to you, sweet reader. Be a light, and light as many candles that you can every day. Smile at those who walk by you. Hold the door open for the person behind you. Laugh at a joke with a perfect stranger. You never know when you might just make a difference and spread your sparkle.

Until next time, shine bright!

 

*Today's Happy Thought: FLOWERS

          (Summer is here and the earth is spreading its joy with colorful petals everywhere!)

 

 



Note to Self: Listen to Your Body

Dear all,

I have recently heard some sad news and it made me want to write to you about it.

My mother's dear friend has recently passed away. It was sudden and shocking to everyone, but evidently the signs of her illness were there for months. What she had was preventable, but she decided to ignore the signs.

For almost a year she felt some pain in her stomach. She knew something wasn't right, she even made little side comments about it, but she ignored the signs. Maybe it is indigestion? Many people have GERD, so it's not a big deal, right? Wrong, but she just kept working and going about her daily life, putting others before herself.

One evening she started throwing up blood in the bathroom. Her son was there with her at home and he called an ambulance. When she got to the hospital it was too late. She had hemorrhaged and there was no fixing it. She had a bleeding ulcer that had become so serious that it had ruptured, causing such a large opening that it was beyond surgical repair.

It is such a tragedy. This woman was amazing, sweet, and compassionate. She was one of the kindest people I have ever met. The loss is very difficult for my mom.

I think this story resonated with me so much because it is so easy to think about others and the daily activities that consume your life, but often times you can forget the most important person running the show, YOU.

If my mother's friend had listened to the warning signs of her illness from the beginning she could have received prompt treatment right away and prevented the detrimental effects. But unfortunately she did not and the small, insignificant warning symptoms soon became major, intense symptoms of an extreme, irreversible problem.

When something feels wrong and it makes you take a step back and evaluate your body's health, you need to listen to that red flag and take action! Even if it seems like "no big deal" it can become one. So many people only decide to get help when the pain is nearly unbearable, and often that it when it can be too late.

This situation really makes me want to reach out to you and tell you something of great importance, IF YOU FEEL BAD GO TO THE DOCTOR. It doesn't matter about money, or whether or not you have the time to fit an appointment into your schedule, the fact of the matter is, in the grand scheme of things, without help it can be life or death.

Even though the millions of doctors I visited didn't believe I was sick, I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I am so glad that I stuck with my gut feeling until I finally found a doctor who listened to me and took action. Never give up on getting yourself well - it's a lifelong fight.

Remember to always think of yourself and your body. It might not always be so easy to put yourself first, but if you don't then who will?

May health follow you and may you keep a conscientious head on your shoulders,

*Today's Happy Thought: LETTERS (There is just nothing better than receiving a hand-written note via snail mail.)

 

Living the Active Life

So, as many of you know, one of my New Year's Resolutions is to incorporate an exercise routine into my daily life. Well, I have started, and started full force!

 

My fitness inspiration was found in one of my magazines quite a while ago. It was from a Nike advertisement and the words really resonated with me. My inspiration is the following:

 



 

 

 

I have an inspiration board in my closet and this ad is posted on it. It helps me to have a positive attitude because it reminds me that it is up to me to make the good, right decisions in my life, and so I might as well make the healthy ones now, both mentally and physically.

 

I think it is important for everyone to have a positive motivational image to keep them on track. It could be a quote like mine, or it could even be just looking at your child, making sure you are being the example you wish to be for your kid. Whatever your motivation may be, hold to it tightly. If your inspiration is a physical object, leave it in a place that will help to motivate you, like your closet, refrigerator door, or anywhere else you feel it would be appropriate. As long as you stay motivated and positive you can achieve anything!

 

I have been incorporating exercise into my daily routine by taking the stairs instead of the elevator and by getting up and walking around after one hour of sedentary school work. Small baby steps like these may seem small and insignificant now, but in the long run they can make a big impact!

 

 

 

One of the big things I have done is beginning to create an exercising routine every morning. I received the PointsPlus 5-disk Fitness Series DVD set distributed by Weight Watchers for Christmas, and this is the workout tool I have been using. I have been getting up early practically every morning and exercising for at least 15 minutes. Believe it or not, these workouts really make you sweat! Since I have been doing this routine, I have been feeling better in the morning and throughout the day. Before I had begun exercising, I had become somewhat of an insomniac, having horrible troubles being able go to sleep at night. I now notice that after working out in the morning, I am able and ready to go to sleep by the time I go to bed at night. My life is so much better already; I even feel better too!

 

This DVD set has beginner to expert level workouts, so it's great for fitness newbies like me! :) These workouts will grow with you as you progress into more intense workouts, so I will be able to use this DVD set for a very long time. It is a totally amazing product!

 

What is your fitness motivation? Do you have a work out routine that you use? I would love to hear from you!

 

Until next time, stay positive and motivated and I know that you are sure to achieve your fitness goals! Even baby steps are a step in the right direction and should be applauded!

 

Stay active and drink plenty of water,

 

 

*Today's Happy Thought: HOMEMADE SOUP

       (There is just nothing better, especially in the cold winter months!)

 

 

Welcome 2015!

Hello!

I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season!

We ended up postponing holiday decorating until right before Christmas, so we are still very festive and have all of our lights up in the yard and every Christmas tree is still lit in the house. I am glad that we are continuing to celebrate the season! So many of our neighbors have already taken down every bit of festivity and their Christmas trees are already out by their trash cans to be picked up and thrown away. You know, there is nothing more depressing than the sight of a pretty green Christmas tree out by the garbage. We leave our decorations up until Epiphany, or Little Christmas, which is on January 6th. It's a tradition we have carried on for years.



Our Christmas tree this year. It makes me so happy! :)

As I sit here this New Year's Day in front of our tree, it makes me stop and contemplate the entire year and prepare for this upcoming 2015. There is much I have done, and yet there is still much left to do.

Looking back on my other New Year's Resolutions from previous years, I am proud to say that I have incorporated my plans into my life long-term, not just for the first few days of the year. That being said, I can honestly say that I am one of the strangest people that I have ever met: I have never lost a bobby pin, I always finish the tube of Chapstick until the very end, and I can actually accomplish my New Year's Resolutions. Pretty amazing, if I must do say so myself! *Wink*

I have been better about my diet habits and health habits. I am also making a conscious effort to actually put forth the energy into my appearance everyday. (I have not gone to school without makeup one day this semester - and anybody who knows me knows that this is a big deal!) I have truly accomplished so much this past year. I have gone back to school after a horrible illness (and I am pleased to announce that I made all A's this semester!!), I have made some great new friends, I am living in an amazing apartment, I was Maid of Honor in my dear friend's wedding, I have seen one of my best friends bring life into the world, and I have officially lost 37.2 pounds on Weight Watchers. It has been a big year! I cannot wait to see the positive changes this year will bring!

My 2015 Resolutions:

1) Be in bed at a decent hour every night. (No later than 12am, no matter what!)
2) Incorporate some sort of exercise into your daily routine - NO EXCEPTIONS!
3) Stress less. Don't let others stress you out or get you angry and upset.
4) Continue on with the Weight Watchers program.
5) Continue to stay current with journal and blog.
6) Leave situations and people of the past in the past where they belong. It's time to move forward and create new memories.
7) Put more emphasis on reading in the Bible and building up faith.
8) Get into a nursing school, and do everything possible to stay in it! (Diligence and dedication!)
9) Have some fun every once in a while! (Stop being such a hermit!)

A new year begins today. That means that there is a whole 365 days to better oneself, help others, and enjoy what life has to offer. Life is such a precious gift and we should be thankful to be alive and be able to experience the amazing gifts this world has to offer. Our God is so good to His world and people!

May love and happiness follow you through 2015 and always,

*Today's Happy Thought: NEW BEGINNINGS! (I always say to never live with regrets. If you learn from your mistakes you will never have to carry the burden of a single regret, you will only carry life lessons.)