Though She Be But Little, She Is Fierce

Well, life has certainly changed in the last few months.

My grandmother passed away, then seven months later my father passed away. Both were unexpected and completely out of the clear blue.

I never met my mother's parents because they died before I was born. My father's parents are the only grandparents I have ever known, and I was unfortunately not able to know any of my great-grandparents. My father's father passed away in 2001, and ever since then it has been the Mom, Dad, Grandmother, and me show.

Now I have my mother. I am so blessed to have her as we battle the most difficult time in our lives.
And we are blessed to have our faithful, precious cat who loves our family very much.

I can honestly say that I have not been okay. I have been drowning and just trying to find the water's surface. Between the estate sale for my grandmother's house, cleaning out my dad's classroom (he was a teacher), financial obligations, my work, being a full time nursing student, and juggling the grief of my own along with my widowed mother's, all while trying to act like a normal human being, I guess the inevitable happened... I had a nervous breakdown.

I had a test right at midterms. I walked out of the test, I made it to the parking lot of the school, and then I began sobbing. Like ugly crying. And I did not stop crying for six hours straight. I realized I had hit a brick wall in my life. I needed to finally do what I have needed to do since Grandmother's death on October 5th, 2015.. take care of myself.

I decided to withdraw from nursing school two days after my nervous breakdown - before I would have been forced to go into some sort of mental institution for respite care from a psychotic breakdown.

It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. It is my senior year, and it was my first semester of senior year, and I had already made it to midterms. My grades were just fine, but I feared that given my current state I was headed to my downfall. What makes it all the more difficult is the fact that when I had to withdraw from nursing school the first time around due to my illness I withdrew at the same time as this year's withdrawal, during my first semester of senior year, but right before finals.

It's truly heartbreaking, but it had to be done. I could feel myself spiraling down into self-destruction, and it wasn't pretty. The blessing in all of this is that I was able to recognize that I needed this time for helping myself before I discovered this need too late.

I now have the beauty of time to rediscover myself and figure out what I need to do to find myself again. My grandmother and father were my best friends, my everythings. They taught me everything.. except how to live without them. Now I need to figure out how to live without them in this tragic new normal, just like I have had to learn how to live with my chronic illnesses.

Let me tell you, they definitely call it "grief work" for a major reason. It is the hardest job I have ever had to endure. It is physical, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual work, and it is absolutely exhausting - a true full-time job.

I have extreme anger.. no.. I have extreme fury. If there is a word stronger than fury then that would probably be more appropriate. I feel like I am in some sort of horrible and endless inferno, and the worst part is I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

When Grandma died I vomited the night of her burial. Instead of listening to my body's outburst of grief, I slept through the nausea. The next day I put on a brave face and studied for a nursing school exam I had that next week. I had school all the way up until I began my externship in the summer. At the start of my externship I lost Daddy. After that I had to clean out his classroom. From there I had to clean out my grandparent's house to prepare for the estate sale. Their house is 2 hours and 30 minutes away from my current home. So I would work a 12 hour shift, then go to my grandparent's house all the way up until the next day I would have to work. I did this all summer long. I began this semester absolutely exhausted. Between coroner's reports, family drama, nursing school drama, Grandmother's first-year anniversary of her death, and proofs for headstones, I had just finally lost all my senses and became a basket case.

I guess that is understandable. I am sure that not everyone would agree with my decision to withdraw. Sometimes I don't even agree with my decision, but it is just because I hate that I have had to make this decision. Sometimes I wonder, "could I have just kept pushing myself and survived all the way through to the end of the nursing program?" Honestly, I really, truly believe that withdrawing has been necessary to my survival. As my nursing professors told me, "Nursing school will always be here when you get back, but until then take care of yourself now." Besides, I owe it to myself to not just survive my way through my nursing journey; I owe it to myself to be triumphant and excel my way through my nursing journey.

I wish Grandma and Daddy could see me graduate and become an RN. Grandma is an officially licensed nurse through 2017. I am going back to nursing school next fall 2017, and I WILL complete my senior year and graduate in spring 2018. I will then carry on her legacy by becoming an RN in 2018. There will not be a year that goes by that one of us will not be a licensed nurse, and that makes it all worth it.

So, my journey continues as I search for myself again, reinvent my life again, and remember why I was placed on this earth. We never know when this moment will be our last moment, when this day will be our last day, or when we may lose the ones we love. So laugh with others a little longer than usual, hug others a little tighter than usual, and love others a little harder than usual. In the end, the actions that feed the soul are the ones that mean the most.

Shine your light always,

*Today's Happy Thought: RAIN

(As I write this entry I am listening to the sound of God's music, the rain falling amongst the pavement, grass, and plants. The rain is like a symphony to my spirit and brings me peace.)

 

When All You Got to Keep is Strong... Move Along

Moving on and moving along is often easier said than done. My illness has been a set back, but nothing could have prepared me for the life I have had ahead of me.

On a happy note, I have made it into nursing school. My life has changed forever since I have been accepted. My life has officially begun again and I am on my way to my ultimate dream.

Shortly after school started, my Grandmother suddenly passed away this past October. She was my hero and best friend. My heart has been crumbled into a million pieces. She was found on the floor of her house, where she evidently passed away while changing out of her church clothes.

Then, just this year and seven months later, my father unexpectedly passed away. He was also my best friend, my everything. My mother found him in bed, passed away from sudden cardiac death. The millions of crumbled pieces of my heart have quickly turned into ash, and I feel as if nothing can restore my heart again.

Nursing school is a struggle of survival and illness is extremely difficult to deal with, but nothing is as difficult than losing practically your whole world within 7 short months of each other. Thank God for my mother. I do not know what I would do without her hand to hold for support.

Every day in nursing school is a battle, you must fight for your passion. For me, on top of the nursing school stress, I am fighting grief, mourning, and depression every day. I am trying everything I can to stay focused, determined, and unstoppable, though life is trying hard to slow me down.

My grandmother was a nurse. She was an amazing nurse and if I could be half the nurse she turned out to be my life would be full. She was so proud of me for continuing on my journey and not giving up. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders. I miss our 3-hour talks every weekend.

What got me going back to school after my illness was my father. We took him to the ER with severe flu symptoms, but the ER sent him home. About two days later he got worse at home, so I took him back to the ER. They had missed his problem on the first visit. He ended up having a ruptured appendix with bowel obstruction and collapsed lungs form all of the abdominal fluid build-up. He needed emergency surgery, but they said that they would have to infuse him with sodium and potassium first or he would die on the operating table. I have never been so scared. Dad and I prayed together that night before surgery, and though he never knew, I cried myself to sleep with the thought that I might lose him.

He made it through the surgery just fine, and until he died this summer we had him for 2 more years after that incidence. Two years I will always love and cherish forever. He was in the hospital for 9 days, and I did not leave his side the entire time. I remember one of the last days in the hospital Dad called me over to his bed. I stood there at his bedside, he grabbed my hand, and he told me, "You have cared for me so much since I have been in the hospital. You have even cleaned every corner of this room. I know you have been sick, but you were born to be a nurse. I can see you come back to life when you are helping me here. It is time for you to go back to school and do what you were born to do."

I will always remember his face telling me that. I will always remember the hope he had in me to finish. I will always remember holding his hand, and keep that feeling alive in me as I continue on in this world's journey without him.

Nursing school has always been my passion, but I am doing this for more than just me, I am doing it for my grandmother and father, and most importantly, God.

They say that there are two of the most important days of your life: the day you are born and the day you figure out why. I am blessed to know my calling and to have two of the best guardian angels I know looking out over me throughout my life.

There has been a bible verse that has been helping me keep my faith alive and my spirit uplifted. It has become a comfort during this difficult time:

No matter the circumstance, we must move on, have faith, and keep our spirits alive. Believe in love, believe in life, and believe that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (One of my grandmother's favorite verses.)

"I thank you God, for most this amazing day."

May the Lord bless and keep you,

*TODAY'S HAPPY THOUGHT: Helping Others
(It's what nursing, and life, is all about.) Go and do a good deed for someone this week. Whether it be a volunteer job for four hours in a soup kitchen or paying for the person's coffee behind you in line, you never know when you might just change someone's life.