Well, life has certainly changed in the last few months.
My grandmother passed away, then seven months later my father passed away. Both were unexpected and completely out of the clear blue.
I never met my mother's parents because they died before I was born. My father's parents are the only grandparents I have ever known, and I was unfortunately not able to know any of my great-grandparents. My father's father passed away in 2001, and ever since then it has been the Mom, Dad, Grandmother, and me show.
Now I have my mother. I am so blessed to have her as we battle the most difficult time in our lives.
And we are blessed to have our faithful, precious cat who loves our family very much.
I can honestly say that I have not been okay. I have been drowning and just trying to find the water's surface. Between the estate sale for my grandmother's house, cleaning out my dad's classroom (he was a teacher), financial obligations, my work, being a full time nursing student, and juggling the grief of my own along with my widowed mother's, all while trying to act like a normal human being, I guess the inevitable happened... I had a nervous breakdown.
I had a test right at midterms. I walked out of the test, I made it to the parking lot of the school, and then I began sobbing. Like ugly crying. And I did not stop crying for six hours straight. I realized I had hit a brick wall in my life. I needed to finally do what I have needed to do since Grandmother's death on October 5th, 2015.. take care of myself.
I decided to withdraw from nursing school two days after my nervous breakdown - before I would have been forced to go into some sort of mental institution for respite care from a psychotic breakdown.
It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. It is my senior year, and it was my first semester of senior year, and I had already made it to midterms. My grades were just fine, but I feared that given my current state I was headed to my downfall. What makes it all the more difficult is the fact that when I had to withdraw from nursing school the first time around due to my illness I withdrew at the same time as this year's withdrawal, during my first semester of senior year, but right before finals.
It's truly heartbreaking, but it had to be done. I could feel myself spiraling down into self-destruction, and it wasn't pretty. The blessing in all of this is that I was able to recognize that I needed this time for helping myself before I discovered this need too late.
I now have the beauty of time to rediscover myself and figure out what I need to do to find myself again. My grandmother and father were my best friends, my everythings. They taught me everything.. except how to live without them. Now I need to figure out how to live without them in this tragic new normal, just like I have had to learn how to live with my chronic illnesses.
Let me tell you, they definitely call it "grief work" for a major reason. It is the hardest job I have ever had to endure. It is physical, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual work, and it is absolutely exhausting - a true full-time job.
I have extreme anger.. no.. I have extreme fury. If there is a word stronger than fury then that would probably be more appropriate. I feel like I am in some sort of horrible and endless inferno, and the worst part is I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from.
When Grandma died I vomited the night of her burial. Instead of listening to my body's outburst of grief, I slept through the nausea. The next day I put on a brave face and studied for a nursing school exam I had that next week. I had school all the way up until I began my externship in the summer. At the start of my externship I lost Daddy. After that I had to clean out his classroom. From there I had to clean out my grandparent's house to prepare for the estate sale. Their house is 2 hours and 30 minutes away from my current home. So I would work a 12 hour shift, then go to my grandparent's house all the way up until the next day I would have to work. I did this all summer long. I began this semester absolutely exhausted. Between coroner's reports, family drama, nursing school drama, Grandmother's first-year anniversary of her death, and proofs for headstones, I had just finally lost all my senses and became a basket case.
I guess that is understandable. I am sure that not everyone would agree with my decision to withdraw. Sometimes I don't even agree with my decision, but it is just because I hate that I have had to make this decision. Sometimes I wonder, "could I have just kept pushing myself and survived all the way through to the end of the nursing program?" Honestly, I really, truly believe that withdrawing has been necessary to my survival. As my nursing professors told me, "Nursing school will always be here when you get back, but until then take care of yourself now." Besides, I owe it to myself to not just survive my way through my nursing journey; I owe it to myself to be triumphant and excel my way through my nursing journey.
I wish Grandma and Daddy could see me graduate and become an RN. Grandma is an officially licensed nurse through 2017. I am going back to nursing school next fall 2017, and I WILL complete my senior year and graduate in spring 2018. I will then carry on her legacy by becoming an RN in 2018. There will not be a year that goes by that one of us will not be a licensed nurse, and that makes it all worth it.
So, my journey continues as I search for myself again, reinvent my life again, and remember why I was placed on this earth. We never know when this moment will be our last moment, when this day will be our last day, or when we may lose the ones we love. So laugh with others a little longer than usual, hug others a little tighter than usual, and love others a little harder than usual. In the end, the actions that feed the soul are the ones that mean the most.
Shine your light always,
*Today's Happy Thought: RAIN
(As I write this entry I am listening to the sound of God's music, the rain falling amongst the pavement, grass, and plants. The rain is like a symphony to my spirit and brings me peace.)
